Still Here, Still Mom | Life After Loss

The guilt is unbearable.

I don’t think anyone can truly explain this part of grief unless they have lived it.

People tell you:

“It’s not your fault.”
“You couldn’t have known.”
“You didn’t make this decision.”

And I hear them.

But my mind doesn’t listen.

Instead, it replays everything.

Over and over again.

Instead, it replays everything.

Over and over again.

I find myself going back through our life together, searching for something.

A sign I missed.
A moment I could have handled differently.
Something I should have said.
Something I should never have said.

I ask myself questions I will never have answers to:

Could I have been a better wife?
If I had done things differently… would he still be here?
Did I miss something important?
Was it me?

These thoughts don’t come once.

They come constantly.

Day and night.

Night and day.

It’s like my mind is trying to rewrite the past.

Trying to find a version of events where this didn’t happen.

But there isn’t one.

I know that nothing will change what has happened.

I know that no amount of replaying will bring him back.

I know that nothing will change what has happened.

I know that no amount of replaying will bring him back.

But knowing that…
and feeling that…
are two very different things.

And now I live with the question:

Why didn’t I see it?

And now I live with the question:

Why didn’t I see it?

But right now, it doesn’t feel like something that will pass.

It feels like something I have to carry.

Some days it is quieter.

Some days I can almost breathe around it.

And then other days…

It is overwhelming.

And then other days…

It is overwhelming.

The kind of overwhelming that sits in your chest.

That makes it hard to breathe.

That makes everything feel heavy.

And even though I know I loved him…

Even though I know we had a life together…

Even though I know I tried…

It still doesn’t silence the guilt.

There is also a part of me that knows the truth.

A part of me that understands that I was not responsible for his decision.

That I did not make that choice.

But grief is not logical.

And guilt does not listen to reason.

So I sit between two realities.

The one I know to be true.

And the one my mind keeps telling me.

So I sit between two realities.

The one I know to be true.

And the one my mind keeps telling me.

If you are feeling this kind of guilt…

If your mind is replaying everything…

If you are asking yourself questions that have no answers…

Please know this:

You are not alone in that.

This is a part of grief that people don’t talk about enough.

The kind that lives in your thoughts.

The kind that keeps you up at night.

The kind that doesn’t just hurt…

but questions everything.

I don’t have the answer to how to make it go away.

I don’t have a way to fix it.

All I know is that this is how it feels.

And if you feel this too…

You are not alone.

One day at a time.