Today marks 6 months since you left us.
People tell me I’m doing so well.
I smile.
I go to work.
I answer emails.
I pack school lunches.
I sit through meetings.
I laugh at the right moments.
I ask people how they’re doing.
From the outside, I probably look like someone who is slowly putting her life back together.
The truth is…
I’ve simply become very good at pretending.
One of the things nobody tells you about grief is that it teaches you how to perform.
Not because you want to.
Because life expects you to.
The alarm still goes off.
The children still need breakfast.
Bills still need to be paid.
People still expect deadlines to be met.
The world quietly carries on, even when yours has stopped.
So you learn.
You learn how to smile when your heart is breaking.
You learn how to answer, “I’m okay.”
You learn how to hide the tears until you’re alone in the car.
Eventually, people stop asking how you’re really doing.
They assume you’re healing.
They assume you’ve become stronger.
But the version of me that most people see isn’t the whole story.
The real me comes home.
Home is where the mask comes off.
Home is where my girls and I can say Daddy’s name without worrying about making anyone uncomfortable.
It’s where we can laugh at memories one minute and cry the next.
Sometimes Lilly puts on one of the songs that reminds us of Noel.
Sometimes we’re dancing around the lounge.
Sometimes we’re crying halfway through the same song.
Sometimes we’re doing both.
Our little apartment has become the safest place in the world.
Not because grief isn’t there.
Because it doesn’t have to hide.
I’ve also realised something else over these past six months.
Pretending is exhausting.
Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes.
The kind of tired that settles somewhere deep inside your soul.
People often ask why I don’t go out more.
Why I don’t socialise.
Why I prefer staying home.
It’s not because I don’t love people.
It’s because pretending all day takes everything I have.
By the time I get home…
There isn’t much left of me.
Grief has changed something else too.
It has taught me about boundaries.
For most of my life, I wanted everyone to like me.
I struggled to say no.
I always felt I owed people an explanation.
Then I remembered something Noel used to tell me.
“Natalie… you’re allowed to say no.”
Then he’d smile and add,
“You don’t have to explain your no.”
Back then, I never really believed him.
Now I do.
Grief has taught me that my peace is precious.
My energy is precious.
My girls are precious.
I no longer have room in my life for relationships that drain me.
Life has become far too fragile to spend it trying to make everyone else comfortable.
The funny thing is…
Even though Noel is no longer here…
He’s still teaching me.
Sometimes the people we lose continue shaping us long after they’re gone.
Not through grand gestures.
Through quiet lessons we finally become ready to understand.
Maybe that’s one of the strange gifts grief leaves behind.
It changes us.
Not into the people we used to be.
But into the people we were always meant to become.
🤍
